RABBINIC SEXUAL MISCONDUCT SURVIVOR

2009-09-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

BAYLOR UNIVERSITY CLERGY SEXUAL MISCONDUCT STUDY THE RESULTS:

Diana R. Garland, LCSW, Ph.D., Dean and Professor of Social Work, Baylor University; and Mark Chaves, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology, Religion, and Divinity, Duke University conducted a national study of clergy sexual misconduct, the first study of its kind, to research this issue and bring the results to the attention of the public. I participated in phase II of this study, sharing with Dr. Garland, my memories of being sexually harassed and abused by my Reform rabbi.

Baylor CSM study press release

There are a number of documents published on Baylor's website for more information regarding clergy sexual misconduct:

CSM information from Baylor University

This is a sample of case studies researched by Baylor:

Case Studies

This is a small sample of the media coverage this study has generated:

CSM study in the media

Baylor University has resources for victim/survivors of CSM available and I encourage you to use them if there is a need:

CSM survivor resources

It is my hope that after this study received the media attention it deserves, the public will be better able to discuss this issue and motivated to prevent its occurance. The media tends to focus on celebrities lives and other trivialities, while there are really important issues, such as CSM that get little attention. Baylor University is working with a public relations firm to try and garner some of that attention for this study, to educate the public. There is a small group of survivors of CSM who are willing to talk to the media and relate their stories to the public. Let us hope that these courageous women get the chance to reach the public with their stories - we have a lot to learn from them.

2009-03-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

CLERGY SEXUAL MISCONDUCT SURVIVORS GATHER AT BAYLOR UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF SOCIAL WORK:

I was flown to Waco, Texas last Wednesday, along with 4 other survivors, to meet with Dr. Diana Garland and the rest of the research team to discuss the national study on Clergy Sexual Misconduct. The results were absolutely amazing and will be made public very soon. As Phase II participants in this study, we had the opportunity to share our stories with Dr. Garland last summer. The stories of CSM survivors are vitally important to put a face on this tragic, devastating problem. Dr. Garland and the rest of her team at Baylor are currently working towards public presentation of both the study results and the stories of survivors to educate the public and bring attention to this issue. I am honored to have been included in this effort to educate the public, explore prevention strategies and move towards legislation to hold the clergy to the same ethical standards that doctors, lawyers, and mental health practitioners must adhere to. The time I spent at Baylor University was deeply rewarding. It was wonderful to meet the other survivors - couragious ladies who have so much to share and hold such passion for this project. I pray that this will bring about a change in the way victims are treated and cause legislation to be enacted that will protect all people of faith in the United States.

2008-06-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

CLERGY SEXUAL ABUSE RESEARCH STUDY

I was recently interviewed by Diana Garland, a researcher at Baylor University in Texas. She is conducting a research study, funded by the Ford Foundation, to gather information on clergy sexual abuse. The purpose of this study is to understand how this happens, find ways to prevent this, and to research what changes must be made in the law to effectively deal with offenders. I encourage any victim of clergy sexual abuse, especially those who have been abused within the last 2 years, to please send an email to Diana Garland. Your participation in this study is completely confidential - no one will know that you have discussed your case.

This is the contact email for the clergy sexual abuse research study:

Diana_Garland@baylor.edu

Please step forward and let your voice be heard! This is totally confidential and such an important study - the first of it's kind. Please help Baylor University get a large sampling of victim/survivor stories so their study is effective. Studies like this are necessary so this tragic problem is better understood and it is a way to bring about changes in the law. Clergy sexual abuse should be a felony, punished with prison sentences and registration as a sex offender upon parole. This is the one concrete way to deter would-be abusers. Ask yourself this question - would your abuser have done this if he knew it was a felony that carried prison time and regitration as a sex offender upon parole? My "rabbi" abuser is a profound coward. If he had been facing a felony charge he would never have abused me. Help change the law. The first step is this research study. Let your voice be heard!

2008-06-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

THERE OUGHT TO BE A LAW

I've been a part time college student for the past few years, working on my Paralegal degree. I recently graduated with honors and I am now a Paralegal. I recently wrote a research paper titled, "Clergy Sexual Abuse: The Silent Epidemic". I am using this paper and other resources to lobby the California Legislature to amend the existing law that makes it a felony for mental health practitioners to have sex or engage in sexualized behavior with their patients, to include clergy who perform pastoral counseling as unlicensed mental health practitioners. This would mandate clergy pastoral counselors to follow the same professional ethics and code of behavior as licensed mental health practitioners. If this amendment becomes law, any clergy who provide pastoral counseling and then seduce their counselees would be guilty of a felony - the same as a mental health practitioner who seduces a patient. I will keep you updated as to the outcome of my quest to make clergy sexual abuse against the law in California. It's about time - isn't it?

2007-05-08T18:29:00.000-07:00

SHARON'S ROSE - A NEW SURVIVOR'S SITE

I met Sharon when I spoke to a group of survivors of clergy sexual misconduct, through "Tamar's Voice". Sharon was there with her family. I was so very moved by her story, which she shared with the group. After the meeting we talked togther and exchanged emails and phone numbers. I encouraged her to start a website and tell her story so that others would benefit from her experience. I am proud to present her website here so that other survivors can read about what happened to Sharon.

Sharon's Rose

Please take the time to read her story and if it helps you, please let Sharon know. She is sharing her trauma so that others may feel a little less alone.

2007-05-08T17:48:00.000-07:00

CORRUPTION RUNS RAMPANT IN THE LAS VEGAS JUSTICE SYSTEM:

The following Los Angeles Times articles detail the corruption to be found in the Las Vegas justice system. No victim will ever prevail in a place where money and status win lawsuits.

"In Vegas, They're Playing With A Stacked Judicial Deck"

"Series on Las Vegas Judges Renews Calls For Reform"

"Steps Taken To Rein In Nevada Judges"

"New Rules Sought For Nevada Judges"

Unfortunately, any reform will be far too late for the victim I wrote about in the previous post. When I think about the abuse this victim was forced to endure, in the Las Vegas justice system, it makes wonder just where this country is headed. I am completely and thoroughly disgusted, and you should be as well. Shame on the Las Vegas justice system and it's judges - time to clean up your act

2006-07-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

THE WRECKING BALL

One of my advocates told me that one victim described rabbinic sexual misconduct as a wrecking ball that kept crashing in and out of her life. I agree with this sentiment. I have always used my experiences with RSM to either warn other women about my abuser or to help other victim/survivors through their own cases. In sharing my story with others, as I did last week at a Tamar's Voice meeting (Tamar's Voice is for victim/survivors of clergy sexual abuse,)there are blessings that come to me and there are the memories that intrude upon my sleep in the form of nightmares. The nightmares are a drawback of speaking about my abuse but the blessings far outweigh the unpleasantness.

I met a wonderful family who are still trying to heal from clergy sexual abuse and I am very thankful that G-d led me to speak at this meeting. I felt this family and I are kindred spirits - they are just the kind of people that I am drawn to when I choose friends. They have not been able to network with other victim/survivors and I thank G-d that I may be able to be of help to them and I know that talking to them will be helpful to my family as well. My own husband and daughter have not had the opportunity to talk to other victim/survivors about what they went through as a result of my being abused. They really need to talk about it, putting the trauma into words is one way to heal. I am in contact with this family and we are making plans to get together to talk soon. It is an important part of healing - networking with other victim/survivors. Victim/survivors who are silenced by their abusers or religious institutions are re-victimized and further injured by the very act of being hushed up and gagged.

I had the opportunity to hear Katherine Flinn speak at the meeting of Tamar's Voice. She is the author of "Clergy Sexual Abuse of Women" and has such a vast knowledge of the trauma that victim/survivors go through. It was wonderful to hear her speak and I am ordering her book - I can't wait to read it. I read Katherine Flinn's doctorial thesis on Clergy Sexual Abuse and it was tremendously helpful to me when I was in the midst of my crisis. It helped me to understand all the damage I sustained as the result of being abused. I feel that I need to read her book as I am still in the process of healing myself. I think that this is an ongoing process that takes a long, long time. I wonder if I will ever be able to honestly say: "I'm healed"?

I spoke to friends of mine, a married couple who are affiliated with the shul where I was abused. The wife told me that my abuser was recently invited back to the shul to give a lecture. This chilled my blood and made me angry, both at the same time. Why is it that the rabbi who has sexually abused several women is invited back to that shul but his victims are not welcome there? I have been thinking of going back to that shul as my abuser is no longer on the Bimah. Now I wonder if it is wise to go back. I don't know what I would do if I were to come face to face with my abuser again. Would I faint and wake up with his hands around my neck, strangling me or would I remain calm, give him a scathing look and just walk away? I don't know how I would react. I hope I never am forced to find out but since the Jewish community is a very small place, I have no doubt that some day I will have to face him. I just hope I am ready when this happens.

2006-07-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

E-MAIL FROM A JEWISH SUPPORTER

This is another message I received from the same supporter. I certainly wish there were many more Jews who understood what RSM is and supported victim/survivors like this person does. I can only pray that these words come true:

Thanks,

Keep up the good work. The wheels of justice turn very slowly, but they do turn. With-in 10 years it will be politically incorrect for any religious institution to accept keeping a clergy sexual offender, whether the offender acts against children or adults.

I applaud your public efforts and publicity against your sexual predator. The Jewish Community is about 5-10 years behind the Catholic Church on the issue of clergy sexual abuse. The internet however is a weapon that can be used to expose and stop clergy sexual offenders and their supporters.

Just an idea for you blog. Include the name of each Rabbi that is aware of the Rabbi that abused you and their excuse for standing idly by and doing nothing or worst supporting this Rabbi. I noticed that the Awareness Center while listing a post for each Rabbinical Sexual Offender, fails to list the names of all the Rabbi's in that Jewish Community that actively and openly include the Rabbi and synagogue in their Community events. Community leaders and Rabbis need to exclude synagogues that maintain and support a sexual predator from all activities and events. Stand strong like Moses.

2006-07-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

SUPPORT COMES FROM UNEXPECTED PLACES:

I received this email from an anonymous supporter and it made me feel very good. I wish there were more Jews in the community who understand rabbinic sexual misconduct like this person does. I have continued to email this person since this first message and it always does my soul good to read what this person says.

To anonymous - thank you for your kind words - I always look forward to hearing from you and I hope that other survivors read your words and glean comfort from them.

To the victim of the "Rabbi" sexual offender
Dear Victim/Survivor,

My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately you are not alone. You are not the first person he has abused. You are just the first one who had the strength to stand publicly up to him.

I applaud your efforts to continue your Judaism.
Your congregation unfortunately has failed at following Jewish law and practice.

Your congregation can't survive spiritually if they don't get rid of this Rabbi. The congregation is forced to deal with the issue as long as you are present. The longer you stay and continue to go to services the more the congregation will be put in turmoil. For a congregation that doesn't do the right thing, turmoil of this nature is good.

You did nothing wrong. Your blame is 0%. The Rabbi is mostly to blame as is the congregation that supports him. "Thou shalt not stand idly by the blood of thy neighbor" - clearly pushes the guilt on the congregation.

I know that you are deeply hurt by all of this. Be strong. I am unfortunately inclined to give you the following realistic advice:

1. Don't trust anyone

2. Consider a law suit

3. Do not try to negotiate with synagogue board members. If they had done the right thing in the 1st place and fired their sexual offender Rabbi then you wouldn't need to meet with them or sue them. They deserve what they get. They won't come to reasonable terms. You will help them and yourself the most by giving them what they deserve... in this case a good lawsuit to pay for.

4. Do not deal with any Rabbinical Organization or Rabbi "Union". You will waste your time and energy. These organizations only protect the guilty Rabbi.

5. Do not feel guilty! You owe nothing to the congregation or the Rabbi. They failed. You are a victim. You are owed restitution.

6. Do not stop going to shul. You are the one who has the right to be there. Congregants that shun you or mistreat you actually serve to justify and hasten the means to extracate the Rabbi. A congregation that is in turmoil eventually has to face the issues. If everyone moves on as if nothing ever happened then the Rabbi can stay.

7. You can go public whenever you choose to. Wait until you are ready and prepared. This can be in 2 months or 2 years.

8. Be Strong.

9. G-D is with you.

10. Be aware that your shul represents a small proportion of Jews. The majority of Jews support you and are disgusted by your Rabbi and the ones that support keeping him.

11. In the end there is justice!

2006-05-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

I recently packed up and moved my family, away from what had become an unsafe place to live. I now am in a nice, quiet neighborhood with pleasant neighbors. It was difficult to stay offline - I felt so disconnected from those who need support and guidance. Thankfully I am now back online and settling into my new condo. The change was quite stressful - I am thankful that the move is over. I'm sick and tired of living around boxes but there is only so much that can be done each day.

I want to say that I am really sorry I have been "away" and out of touch. I will now continue to post regularly and check my email each day - as is normal for me when connected to the Internet. I hope that everyone has a peaceful and meaningful Shabbat.

2006-04-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

KEEPING YOUR FAITH

I recently heard from another victim/survivor who is having trouble with her faith due to abuse by a "rabbi". She will know who she is when she reads this. There is one thing to remember - when a rabbi sexually abuses a congregant - it has NOTHING to do with Hashem whatsoever. Hashem is NOT responsible for your abuse. This is what comes with free will. Your abuser is not a real rabbi - he is an abomination before G-d. Abusers like that are evil and will have to answer for what they have done after they face their final judgment. Rabbi's who abuse can turn their victims off to Judaism and Hashem. This happens and spiritual issues take the longest to heal.

Please remember that Hashem weeps with you over what has happened. I think you will find, as I did, that when you reach out for help - Hashem will guide you to advocates who can help you. I am still working on my spiritual issues - I have no healed yet. I took a long sabbatical, if you will, from shul and davening with other Jews. I am now ready to go back to shul and re-enter the Jewish community again. I needed the time to take stock and find out what I really wanted and needed. I find that I really miss devening with my fellow Jews so I decided to start going to shul again. I would tell anyone who has been abused by a rabbi this: the prayers and songs at shul will be triggers that will cause you to relive your abuse but don't give up. It takes a long time to heal - keep moving forward with babysteps. Find a shul where you feel safe and continue to attend. Eventually you will start to feel better - but it does take a long time. My abuse happened in 1999 and 2000. I stopped attending shul for about 2 years. I am finally ready to go back. I pray that you too will find a way to salvage your Judaism and move forward. My prayers are with you and all other survivors.

2006-04-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

To Raizie:

I wanted to publish your poem on my blog - not just in the comments. You have a talent for writing. It's good to see victim/survivors use creative outlets to process their abuse. Please consider sending me an e-mail. I would like to assist you but it's difficult through a blog. I am currently advocating for several other victim/survivors on a one-on-one basis by e-mail and phone. Your identity is safe with me - I am a victim/survivor too. If you want to contact me directly, send an e-mail to: chavah5760@socal.rr.com and I will try to help you.

A POEM BY RAIZIE:

Peering beneath the yarmulke; behind the bimah;
Ever prayerful, ever watching
Invoking the name of Adonai
He lifts his strained voice in praise
Droning on with a lifeless chant

One eye on the Lord
And one eye on the Prize
The Master Manipulator
Creates his aura of holiness;
His invisible cloak obscuring the Evil Urge

Making a show of charity,
He counsels the elderly; he comforts the bereaved;
He is a pious man; a man of the Lord
Now he too is praised for his great work
And none will question his sincerity

He woos with guitar and drum,
Prayer and poem,
Shabbos candle, wine, and kosher food
His chanting weaves a spell; a Covenant between Master and Master
A promise of Broken Tablets

There is a victim around every corner;
One who is willing to keep his secrets
One who, for some time, is quite “special”
The list grows until he must move on to greener pastures,
Having used up all the innocence and vulnerability he can find

Believing he has covered his tracks behind him
And that Hashem will continue to forgive and bless
Regardless of the sins not yet committed,
He moves with even greater stealth onto a new canvas,
Seducing the adult and leaving behind the child

Beware the Rabbi.

2006-02-23T22:56:00.000-08:00

ABUSIVE RABBI THREATENS ADVOCATES

Once again, "rabbi" Harlan David (Tsvi) Kilstein (aka RebTsvi) is threatening advocates online and attempting to intimidate women. This time he's not after me (but he will be when he reads this post), he is threatening Vicki Polin of The Awareness Center and Jewish Survivors of Sexual Violence. I am asking my readers to please contact me if anyone knows of any illegal activity this man has been involved in. If "rabbi" Kilstein has ever threatened you, tried to intimidate you, ever made you feel uncomfortable in any way - please come forward and tell your story. This is a very scary, sick man and he needs to be dealt with immediately. He is a vindictive bully, intimidation and threats are his weapons of choice. I believe that this man is dangerous and will not stop with verbal threats. Please help us to stop this abusive "rabbi".

2006-02-05T17:33:00.000-08:00

DOLORES: FROM FRIEND TO ADVOCATE

I was made a victim of rabbinic sexual misconduct in 1999. Today, I am a survivor and an advocate. My trauma has been transformed into a blessing for the countless victims I support, educate and empower through my advocacy mission. I am a survivor and advocate today because of the people in my life who worked with me to help me heal. Each advocate I worked with has had an enormous impact on my recovery. I would not be where I am today without their caring, compassion and wisdom.

The abuse I suffered had a huge impact on my life and the people who cared about me. My experience ultimately made me a stronger and wiser person. It also transformed one of my closest friends into my strongest advocate. Dolores doesn't think of herself as an advocate. Being there for me, supporting me and fighting for me during the worst of times is simply what she calls friendship. What Dolores has done for me goes way beyond the bonds of friendship. Throughout the many crises in her own life, she always made time to be there for me and listen when I needed to talk. Dolores was my life line and the guardian of my sanity in the midst of the sick, dysfunctional situation that had been forced on me by my rabbi. Hers was the voice of reason, logic and clarity that pulled me through the craziest times. Dolores was my strength and courage when I had none. She was with me every step of the way and I want to officially recognize her as a top advocate for rabbinic sexual misconduct.

Dolores had no formal training, experience has been her teacher. She is one of those people who is a natural advocate and champion of those who have no voice. She is fiercely protective of the ones she cares about and this is her greatest strength. Dolores possesses a talent for reading people and situations with insight and clarity. At times, she knows me better than I know myself. We have had many crazy, funny adventures together, earning us the nicknames of "Lucy and Ethel" amongst our family members. We've had so much fun together over the past fifteen years that it's difficult to remember a time when we didn't know each other. When I was made a victim and my life started to unravel, Dolores was right there to face it with me and help me to pick up the pieces and move forward. She has been my most valuable ally and advocate. Dolores is a blessing in my life and I am deeply thankful that we will always be friends.

2006-01-23T20:51:00.001-08:00

ABUSIVE RABBI'S

I was just sitting here pondering why it is that there are so many "rabbi's" who are abusive and/or egotistical, power-hungry, bullies? What is is about the rabbinate that attracts these horrible men? I've read that the same personality types who make "good" rabbi's also predispose these same rabbi's to abuse their power. The more I learn about abusive rabbi's and the more abusive rabbi's I come into contact with, the more I wonder why I bother with organized religion to begin with. Judaism as a religion is a beautiful thing - unfortunately - people often profane it and spoil it. G-d is not the problem - people are.

2006-01-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

MISSION STATEMENT

This blog is for victim/survivors of rabbinic sexual misconduct (and sexual abuse perpetrated by other Jewish religious leaders), their advocates and supporters only. I created this site to be a place of safety, support, education and healing.

The only people who should visit this site are victim/survivors, advocates and the people that support them. My blog is not a place for political forums and no one will use my site for any other purpose other than that which it is intended - period.

As a survivor of rabbinic sexual misconduct, I know how very difficult it is for victims to learn to trust again. This is why I intend to keep this site safe for victims. I was terrified to even speak to non-Jewish advocates for fear that somehow my abuser would discover that I'd ended my silence. My fears were well-founded because once my rabbi-abuser did discover that I had talked about the abuse, he physically assaulted me at shul before Oneg one Erev Shabbos. After he assaulted me, he calmly led the congregation in reciting HaMotzi. This man is Hillul HaShem - an abomination in the eyes of G-d.

I have had the opportunity to meet and/or have contact with quite a few "rabbi's" who are completely unsuited for their chosen careers. Some of the worst men I've had contact with or heard of are also "men of G-d", or "rabbi's". These men have not earned the title Rabbi in my eyes - hence, when I refer to their job title, I put it in quotes: "rabbi" with no capitalization. This is my way of denoting a "rabbi" that needs to go into another line of work - perhaps selling Kosher hotdogs on the street corner.

Having said this about "rabbi's", this leads me to the point of this post. Recently there has been a comment posted on this site that was highly inappropriate and I have deleted it. I will state again that this site is for education, support, and healing only. I have been subjected to online threats - perpetrated by a "rabbi" who doesn't care for the fact that I stand firmly behind the victim and I publically scorn abusive "rabbi's". I attempted to ignore the threats until I was subjected to attacks against my computer, now I will no longer ignore this "man".

I can tell you this - the activity I have just mentioned is being reported to the police today. I have this "rabbi's" cell phone number, home address and phone number - thanks to a dear friend who lives near this "man". In other words, I have enough information to ensure that the local authorities can pursue this "man" and I intend to see him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Due to the recent hacking attacks on my computer (I have been warned that this "rabbi" has a habit of doing just this sort of thing), I decided that I must write about this in a post. I will reveal the name of this man in my next post - after I have spoken to the police.

2005-12-28T17:11:00.000-08:00

HANUKKAH

It's that time of the year again and as I light the candles of our menorah with my daughter and husband, I wonder what memories go through her mind? Does she think of family, friends and fun or does her mind wander back to 1999, to the first night of Hanukkah, when the rabbi she looked up to shattered her trust? I don't ask her what she thinks of as we light our candles - I'm afraid to bring it up because I hope that she's pushed it out of her thoughts. Each year I pray that those bad memories will become hazy and indistinct for her and that one day she will no longer think about the way her family was nearly torn apart by our rabbi.

I wish I could forget the way Hanukkah was spoiled for me. I can't and G-d knows I've tried. You see, that Hanukkah was the first time we'd gone to shul for that holiday. It sounds strange but it's understandable when you know how I was raised. I was born on Yom Kippur, to a Jewish mother but I was raised in the Church of England - totally unaware of my heritage. My grandmother finally told me the truth about our family when I was in High School. Up until the age of 16, I didn't know I was a Jew. Intermarriage and assimilation took it's toll on our heritage. By the time I was born my family had abandoned Judaism and the Jewish people. My families Catholicism was always an ill-fit for me, like a shoe on the wrong foot. I thought there was something wrong with me because I was never able to believe what I was being taught in church. To top it all off - I was drawn to Judaism from a young age through movies and books, not understanding that this was completely natural for me. To find out that I was a Jew was a huge relief to me. I was normal - not a "bad seed". It took me many years to start to practice my faith. I became observant as an adult, after my daughter was born. My decision to return to the faith of my ancestors caused my mother to stop speaking to me for a time but we came to an understanding within a few months. Unfortunately, the joy and contentment I found when I began to live a Jewish life was short lived. My first rabbi became my abuser and the temple I attended was a very dangerous place.

My daughter and I went to shul, the first night of Hanukkah in 1999, excited and happy. We sat in the back of the sanctuary because it was crowded that night. I'll never know why the rabbi decided to kiss and caress me seductively, right in front of my 7 year old daughter. Perhaps he thought that she was so young she wouldn't understand what he was doing or maybe he just didn't care. I will never forgive the fact that he decided to involve my daughter. She has always been highly intelligent and observant. She saw what he did and protested, quite loudly. The rabbi went over to an older couple and gave the wife a kiss on her cheek and greeted the husband - making sure my daughter was watching. He tried to cover his inappropriate behavior but my daughter didn't buy into it. On the way home, my daughter asked me why the rabbi had kissed and touched me like that - the way only daddy was supposed to do? I didn't know what to say to her - my mind was reeling. I told her that it was just a greeting, it meant nothing and don't say anything to her father about it - she was mistaken. I lied to my child that night but thankfully she didn't believe me. She knew instinctively the way the rabbi was acting was just plain wrong. She learned from a young age that you can't ever trust anyone just because that person has a position of trust.

Up until that first night of Hanukkah, I'd managed to rationalize the rabbi's behavior and make myself believe that nothing was amiss. If I'd had any questions about what was on the rabbi's mind that night, his behavior and the scorching stares he'd shot at me from the Bimah swept away any remaining doubts. You could hang a tallit on those looks. All I could do was sit in the pew and stare back. I was deeply caught up in transference by that time and as confused as I could be. Then there was his wife! She must have seen the way he was looking at me from the Bimah. She walked up to me after the service and looked me up and down, three times. I had never even met her before - I only knew she was the rabbi's wife because other congregants had pointed her out to me. The look on her face was sheer disgust and anger - like she wanted to slap me and vomit at the same time. She walked away and then came back to stare at me again. I grabbed my daughter's hand and left the temple at a trot. I felt tremendously guilty. I was the victim but I believed that I had done something to bring it on - that somehow I had caused the rabbi to cross the line. I believed that 'rabbi's don't do that sort of thing' and therefore I must have done or said something to cause it. I carried that guilt for a long time.

Hanukkah has been difficult for me ever since. I can't light our menorah without thinking about my abuse. It comes to my mind no matter how much I try to block it. I've worked diligently to replace my daughter's bad memories with good ones of family and fun. I pray that I've succeeded. One day, when she is older, I will ask her what she thinks of as she kindles the lights of the menorah. I hope that she will talk about past family celebrations and not mention the dark times. My prayer this year is that my daughter's Hanukkah memories are not forever ruined as mine are. This is a difficult time of year for victim/survivors. I pray that all of us can focus on good memories and good times. I pray that time will dim the bad memories and cleanse them from our minds. I will try to see each candle flame I kindle this year as a ray of hope that each new day will be better than the last.

2005-12-24T11:13:00.000-08:00

ISOLATION

I've been offline for some time now and it feels good to be connected once again. I tried to update my old 2000 Gateway computer and utilize DSL. My old computer wasn't up to it and one NIC card later, I had a fried motherboard. I recently received my Dell computer and I am quite happy with it. I will endeaver to 'catch up' on my blog as I take my committment to helping other victim/survivors seriously. I feel very badly that I was out of touch for so long - finals and computer crashes both interferred with my writing.

The holidays are very difficcult for victim/survivors. I myself have a problem with Hanukkah, thanks to my rabbi-abuser, which I will write about in my next post. My daughter has a twisted memory of Hanukkah as well, thanks to the same man. She was only 7 years old when my rabbi targeted me. My first Hanukkah service in a shul is the one I will remember forever - and not for any good reasons. I will explain why in my Hanukkah post. Now that I am 'back' - I will be posting regularly and I do apologize for being away so long.

2005-10-31T12:30:00.000-08:00

CALL TO ACTION - LEGISLATION TO PROTECT INDIVIDUALS WHO UNDERGO PASTORAL COUNSELING:

Clergy sexual misconduct, perpetrated under the guise of closed-door pastoral counseling is against the law in 21 states and is a felony in Minnesota and Texas. I read an article last year about a Minnesota minister who was convicted of clergy sexual abuse of a female congregant he had counseled. He was sent to prison and when released he will face a long probation and must register as a sex offender. In Minnesota and Texas, the same statute (law) that protects individuals who undergo counseling with licensed mental health practitioners also protects those who seek pastoral counseling with clergy. I've read the statutes - it places clergy who provide pastoral counseling in the same category as psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists. The statute states that it is a felony for clergy to engage in sexual relations or sexualized behavior with individuals they have counseled. The same statute applies to mental health practitioners who abuse therapeutic fiduciary relationships with patients. These laws require clergy who counsel to maintain the same professional boundaries and code of ethical behavior as mental health pracitioners. These statutes apply to all clergy members or anyone who represents themselves as members of the clergy. It makes no difference if the individual is ordained or just "pretending". The offending clergy isn't required to have an education or degree in psychology to be bound by the statute - the only requirement is that the clergy member engaged in pastoral counseling with the victim prior to the illegal act or behavior. Baruch Hashem! There are legislators out there who "get it" and have actually done something to protect their citizens against this tragic and prevalent problem. I am elated that 23 states have enacted laws to regulate pastoral counseling - it's a positive step in the right direction. Twenty seven more states need to enact legislature to criminalize clergy sexual misconduct and forty eight more states need to declare it a felony before I'm completely satisfied.

As a resident of California, I had no legal recourse (other than a civil lawsuit) as a victim of rabbinic sexual misconduct, perpetrated during pastoral counseling. I was sexually harassed, touched in a sexual manner, endured forced genital contact (through clothing) and ultimately, I was physically assaulted when my abuser discovered I'd ended my silence and had spoken out against him. If these acts had been perpetrated in Minnesota or Texas, my abuser would have been guilty of a felony, required to serve prison time and register as a sex offender upon conviction. The legislature in my state is long overdue for a wake up call. I wrote my term paper last year on this subject: "Adult Clergy Sexual Misconduct During Pastoral Counseling and the California Legislature". I earned an A+ and my oral presentation generated a tremendous amount of interest from my fellow paralegal students. No one was aware that this is not already against the law and they were all horrified.

In the fall of 2001, when I became convinced that I must report my abuser to the Central Conference of American Rabbi's - (CCAR - Reform) - I said a very earnest, special prayer asking G-d to make me His servant and show me His will. I know in my heart that Hashem called me to do everything in my power to prevent my abuser from ever perpetrating sexual abuse against another woman. This was my task and for the next four years I did everything I could do, putting privacy aside, to stop him from doing it again and warn the women of my community about what he's shown himself to be capable of. I knew I had to report him when I was given information about another victim from a former temple board member. The information was provided to me after the former board member was told about my case. He was horrified to hear that the rabbi had done it again and encouraged me to report the abuse to the CCAR Ethic's Committee. The previous incident recounted to me involved a sexual harassment lawsuit against the rabbi, the temple Board of Trustee's and the temple itself, by a female congregant who also worked in the temple office. I was told to go to the courthouse and look up the case, which I did. The lawsuit was reportedly settled out of court by the temple's malpractice insurance and the entire incident was "swept under the rug" - hushed up by the Board to avoid a scandal. I was told it was thought at the time that the "incident" occurred due to the rabbi's going through a divorce from his first wife. The rabbi was placed on probation but allowed to remain on the Bimah. Three years later, I joined the temple and in eight months I was made a victim of rabbinic sexual misconduct. Just goes to show you how horribly wrong temple administrators can be when dealing with cases of rabbinic sexual misconduct (RSM). I had been afraid to step forward because I would have to speak out against a rabbi - I thought that no one would believe me. I bought into the old adage that "rabbi's don't do that!" When I was given solid information from a reliable source that there had been another victim, I had to report him - it was no longer just about me.

I have a wonderful male Reform rabbi who advocated for me during the entire reporting process and the adjudication of my complaint with the CCAR. I asked him on more than one occasion, "Why me?! Why do I have to be the one who steps forward to face shunning and ridicule? Why me?!" He answered, "Chavah, we cannot dictate to G-d who He chooses to carry out His work, who He asks to fight in the trenches in this war (against rabbinic sexual misconduct)." He would remind me that to work for G-d to right a wrong and hopefully prevent future victims is a positive way to turn my trauma into a blessing. He always found ways to comfort and support me during our numerous phone calls and e-mails. The first time I spoke to this rabbi he said two things at the start of our conversation that changed my life: "Chavah, I believe you and you know it wasn't your fault." He explained to me what transference was, easing the huge load of guilt I'd been carrying around with me and gave me back my dignity and self respect. I was assured that G-d had nothing to do with what happened to me. My advocate rabbi is big on counting blessings, even in the face of adversity and trying to bring some sense and reason to what happened. He helped me to see that I was fortunate to have been emotionally strong enough to say no and preserve my marriage vows. Had I been in different psychological circumstances during the abuse I could easily have succumbed to the persistent, forceful seduction. I was strong enough to endure the onslaught of psychological and emotional abuse that ensued following my refusal to engage in sexual intercourse with my abuser. I overcame the guilt, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that I suffered with for so long. I was utterly despondent after my abuse, wavering in my core belief in G-d, feeling as though my very soul had been raped, but I survived. I was strong enough to step forward, with the help of my many advocates, and report my abuser to the CCAR and the Jewish Press. I've been told that my abuser chose the wrong woman to attempt to seduce and I agree. My marriage thrived and became better than ever after my ordeal. The abuse I suffered caused my husband to take a long hard look at his role in our marriage and we made many positive changes because of that wake up call. He is now a better husband and has grown into the soulmate I've always been looking for. I would have chosen not to become a victim but since I cannot change history, I will continue to count the blessings of what could have happened but did not and the good that has come from the trauma and suffering, as my advocate would have me do.

Now that my abuser has been reported and his sexual misconduct has been publicized to warn the women of my community, I have embarked on my survivor's mission. I am being called upon to help other victims through this blog and to lobby my legislature to enact laws to protect those who are not yet victims. My role as a lobbyist is in the research stages. Once I have educated myself on the process by which bills are introduced to the Senate and the House of Representatives, I will be marching forward. I will then call upon victim/survivors, their families, friends and associates to help me in the fight to regulate clergy pastoral counseling. We must demand state laws to regulate pastoral counseling and force the legal system to prosecute clergy sexual misconduct in public courts of law. Enough of the secret investigations, surreptitious pulpit to pulpit transfers and meaningless wrist slapping that our religious institutions have to gall to call discipline in cases of clergy sexual misconduct. These institutions have graphically shown that they cannot and will not police "their own" - the government must step in and take charge when clergy abuse their positions of power and trust. This is a call to action and I will be counting on your support to get our voices heard by those who can make a difference.

2005-10-11T14:11:00.000-07:00

TESHUVAH

The High Holy Days are often painful and difficult for victims and survivors of rabbinic sexual misconduct. We, as Jews, are obligated to look back over the past year and perform Teshuvah for the wrongs we have committed. Teshuvah - the act of the transgressor acknowledging the wrong committed, asking for forgiveness, making restitution and resolving never to commit the wrong again. It's extremely rare for an abusive rabbi to perform Teshuvah with his (or her) victims. From the first High Holy Days after the abuse, and every year thereafter, the victim/survivor waits for the Teshuvah that is never performed. The gates open and then they close again and we are still wronged.

For those of us who have been shunned and ostracize by our own Jewish Communities, the very idea of sitting in a shul during the High Holy Days brings pain and anxiety. I attend the community services at a local Chabad each year. The abuse didn't stop me from going to shul on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, but it has changed the meaning for me in some ways. It's been six High Holy Days that have come and gone for me with no Teshuvah forthcoming from my rabbi/abuser or from my former congregational family. I know I will never receive the apologies I am due but it still hurts deep down and always will. I feel differently about Teshuvah today, it's just doesn't have the same meaning it did before I was abused.

The response of the Jewish Community to victims and survivors of rabbinic sexual misconduct is a continual source of pain. We, as Jews, are commanded: "Thou shall not stand idly by while your neighbor bleeds", yet the Jewish Community collectively turns it's back on those Jews who have been gravely wounded by their rabbi's. It's a difficult, uncomfortable issue to address but we as a people must acknowledge that it does happen to Jews. We must start treating victims and survivors with care, compassion and dignity. Hashem expects this of us. Any Jew who shuns or ostracizes a victim or survivor is just as guilty as the abuser. Anyone who attempts to silence the victim is guilty of aiding and abetting those who victimize the vulnerable. The typical Jewish Communal response to the victim/survivor is one of disbelief and anger for speaking out against a rabbi. This "shoot the messenger" mentality only serves to further injure the already traumatized victim. Congregations usually play the "blame the victim" game and stand behind the rabbi in support, turning their backs on the one who is in dire need of help. I experienced this myself and it still hurts today.

Education to help prevent rabbinic sexual misconduct is urgently needed within our Jewish Communities. If I had attended a seminar on this issue I might not have become a victim. It is possible that if I'd been aware of the problem, I might have recognized what has happening to me and reacted accordingly. Jewish Community centers are the ideal place to sponsor seminars on this vital issue. Rabbinic sexual misconduct (RSM), along with professional sexual misconduct (doctors, therapists, etc.) sexual violence and domestic abuse are areas of importance that have not been adequately addressed within the Jewish Community. Jewish Family and Children's Services conduct domestic violence seminars but they don't address the other urgent issues that threaten Jewish women today. Knowledge is needed to counter all the misinformation and misconceptions that exist about this issue. If the Jewish Community were educated about this tragedy, perhaps the way in which the victim/survivor is treated will improve. Support from the Jewish Community would go a long way towards easing the pain of waiting for the apology that will never come.

Yom Kippur starts tomorrow at sundown and I will be one year older. I can find many things to be thankful for and things that I need to improve in my life. I resolve to spend more time enjoying the simple things in life. I want to try to attend shul more often in the new year. I resolve to do everything in my power this year to push for education in our community on rabbinic sexual misconduct. I am thankful for my beautiful family and friends. I am thankful for the Jews who know my story and still support me, those I am proud to call friends. I am thankful for my shul, my rebbe and my new congregational family. I don't know how many of them have read the articles that came out last year about my case. They don't mention it and they don't shun me at my Chabad - for that I am sincerely grateful. For the rest of the Jewish Community, those who have shunned and ostracized me - I will continue to walk among you and hold my head up high. I did nothing wrong - I was the victim - the way you have treated me is shameful and perhaps one day you will understand this. L'Shanah Tovah - May we be inscribed in the book of life for another year.

2005-09-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

A Survivors Story:

I am a survivor of rabbinic sexual misconduct. I was subjected to sexual boundary violations, psychological and emotional abuse and a physical assault by a Reform rabbi in 1999 to 2001. These incidents occurred in Orange County, Calif. I am still married, only because I said no to the affair my then-married rabbi/abuser wanted. I celebrate my 13th wedding anniversary this November. Baruch Hashem that my husband and I are more in love and our marriage is stronger than ever, because of and in spite of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my rabbi. My daughter, who was 7 and 8 at the time of the abuse, has learned the hard way that you trust a rabbi only after he/she has earned your trust. She has learned that no matter what a person's profession is, trust only comes after they earn it. You never trust a person because of what they do for a living. Many adults know this but it's not a concept that most 7 year olds learn. Most of us teach our children to trust rabbi's. Sometimes that is a huge mistake. My husband, daughter and I learned the hard way that the often repeated statement: "Rabbi's don't do that!" is complete rubbish. Rabbi's do "DO THAT" and don't you forget it.

I want to use this blog to help other victim/survivors. The way I am trying to turn my abuse into a blessing is to reach out to others, utilize my experiences as a teaching tool to educate, assist and empower others. It's not easy looking back over the last six years but I think it will help me to continue to heal. I want to let other women know what I've been through and most important, to know that I'm OK today and I'm stronger than I ever was before. I have deep scars, I will probably never be able to hear the Reform liturgy without crying at certain points in the service, but I am OK. If I use what happened to me to help other victims/survivors then there is a reason for what occurred. It's a way to turn trauma into a blessing.

In 2001 I lost my shul and became spiritually homeless. I had most members of my spiritual family at my former shul turn their backs on me. They preferred to support and protect their rabbi, rather than help the victim who was abused. I reported my abuser to the Central Conference of American Rabbi's (CCAR) in 2002 and lived through a year-long investigation that was painful, insulting and demeaning. Their Ethic's Committee, headed by Rabbi Rosalind Gold, voted unanimously to censure my abuser in Aug. 2003, ordering him to undergo a complete psychological examination with therapy as appropriate. This terrified my rabbi/abuser who, instead of using this examination as the way to prove his innocence (prove that he was totaly 'normal' and well-adjusted), appealed the decision of the Ethic's Committee and asked the CCAR Board of Trustees to vote whether to uphold the decision or overturn it. An innocent man would welcome a psychological examination - why did this rabbi, who protests his complete innocence to this day, object so strenuously to seeing a shrink??? Methinks the man doth protest too much. True to form, the CCAR Board of Trustees (all rabbi's, mostly male) voted to overturn the censure and gave the rabbi/abuser a letter of reprimand instead - a letter that no one will see, buried in his permanent personnel file at the CCAR in New York.

I still hold a deep anger towards some of the rabbi's of the CCAR - those who choose to support 'their own' and work to silence the victims. The CCAR is a 'good old boys club' - I know this - I've been there, done that. Even most of the female rabbi's in the CCAR support the 'good old boys club' - if they don't, no doubt their careers would suffer. There are a few female (and male) rabbi's who buck the system and I will write about them in later posts. They are swimming against the tide and there are far too few of them to make any real changes in the way the CCAR addresses rabbinic sexual misconduct (RSM). They are trying to improve the reporting and investigation of RSM, but as long as the process is conducted by CCAR rabbi's and done in secret, there can be NO real progress. Rabbi's cannot police their own - it must be done from outside the CCAR. This is the only way to be completely fair and unbiased.

I've been shunned and ostracized by my own people because I had the courage to speak out against a repeat rabbi/abuser, in public, through Jewish Telegraphic Agency (JTA) articles that ran in Jewish newspapers all over the U.S. and in many other countries - including Israel. In Southern California, they ran in the Los Angeles Jewish Journal and the Orange County Jewish Journal in June/July 2004. I went to the press to warn other women in the community of the danger in our midst. I did this as Tochacha, it was NOT Lashon Hara, as many of my rabbi/abusers friends and supporters claim. I chose to throw away my families privacy in order to ensure that the women of my community knew what this rabbi was capable of, what he'd done in the past and what he could very well do again - if he does not seek treatment, which I doubt he ever will. I went to the press after the CCAR Board of Trustees voted to overturn the censure and give my abuser a useless, confidential letter of reprimand. The CCAR Board voted in Dec. 2003, behind my back, without my knowledge, in direct violation of the CCAR published rules on Ethic's violations. I protested and was granted a redress. The CCAR Board voted again in June 2004. I went to the press before the second vote because of the biased, secretive way the CCAR Board had treated my case and to warn other women about this rabbi. I knew that due to the way my abuser was earning a living back in 2004, he was even more of a danger to women and must be stopped somehow.

This rabbi was conducting a pastoral counseling business, which he started after resigning from the temple where he abused me. This meant that he had complete, unsupervised access to troubled, vulnerable women in closed-door pastoral counseling sessions. I was abused during pastoral counseling sessions, where I asked the rabbi for help with some marital problems I was having. I knew that his new business venture made about as much sense as an alcoholic owning a liquor store - with far more disastrous consequences. His resignation from the temple in Feb. 2003 occurred just as the CCAR's fact finding team began to ask very uncomfortable questions about a sexual harassment lawsuit in his past, where he was named as a defendant. He resigned from his post as religious leader after thirteen years on the Bimah, at the Board of Trustees meeting, a few days after being questioned by the CCAR fact finding team - yet he says his resignation had nothing to do with the investigation of my complaint against him. This rabbi is a skilled liar and has an uncanny knack of being able to perform damage control, talking his way out of trouble. He is also frighteningly good at the grooming and gradual seduction of his chosen victims. This is why I went to the press and opened myself up to ridicule and shunning.

I will close for now. In future posts I will allow my story to unfold and hopefully it will be helpful to at least one victim/survivor.

Chavah